Observations on film art : DIE HARD revived: An entry revisited

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Die Hard (1988).

David’s health situation has made it difficult for our household to maintain this blog. We don’t want it to fade away, though, so we’ve decided to select previous entries from our backlist to republish. These are items that chime with current developments or that we think might languish undiscovered among our 1094 entries over now 17 years (!). We hope that we will introduce new readers to our efforts and remind loyal readers of entries they may have once enjoyed.

Today’s revival responds to the return of Die Hard to theater screens in time for Christmas. Since our original posting in 2019 (“Not just a Christmas movie”), this supreme action picture has further cemented its reputation as a yuletide favorite (although it was originally released in July). Happy holidays from the Nakatomi Corporation!

DB here:

It’s been quite a fall season for UW–Madison film culture. There were visits from avant-garde legend Larry Gottheim, New York Times co-chief film critic Manohla Dargis, Schawn Belston (Senior VP of Mastering at Disney), and Julia Reichert, whose American Factory is now routinely turning up on ten-best lists. The semester’s first screening at our Cinematheque was Kiril Mkhanosvsky’s Give Me Liberty, a Milwaukee movie also gracing year-end best lists. Our programs included restored films by African pioneer Paulin Soumanou Vieyra, retrospectives of Reichert and Kiarostami, a 3D double feature of Revenge of the Creature and Parasite (no, the other one), a program of early women directors in America, a selection of films conserved by the Chicago Film Society, and a miscellany ranging from Olivia and Near Dark to Tropical Malady and Red Rock West.

Travels to festivals, partly covered in our blog entries, forced us to miss too many of these shows. But we couldn’t miss the final one: Die Hard (1988).

It’s a film I’ve admired since I first saw it in summer of 1988. I’ve taught it in many classes, but never written about it. Seeing it again, in a pretty 35mm print from the Chicago Film Society, has made me want to say a few things as my final blog entry for this busy year.

 

The man between

Think-piece pundits like to say that Hollywood movies are about good guys versus bad guys. But usually things are more complicated. Very often the good guy is an outsider caught between two large-scale forces, good or bad or both–the cattle ranchers versus the townspeople, or the mob versus the cops. Often the protagonist is an outlier, forced to solve the problem using means that respectable social forces can’t.

Call it the problem of the House Democrats. When the lawbreaker can’t be brought to justice, how do you make him pay? The answer is one that William S. Hart movies provided in the 1910s. We need a “good bad man,” a rogue agent who knows the scheme from the inside but is willing to do the right thing. Which means that he has to be flawed too, a little or a lot, and that he can eventually reform.

In Die Hard, the forces of law and order line up as the Los Angeles police and the FBI. The threat is Hans Gruber’s gang,  posing as terrorists but actually planning to rob the Nakatomi Corporation of $640 million in bearer bonds and kill lots of hostages in the process. The naive TV broadcasters support both, recycling official scenarios of how hostage-taking works and reinforcing the gang’s masquerade as a terrorist group.

The contrasts are marked. The forces of order are American, in alliance with a Japanese company, while the attackers are Europeans. At the start, we hear  American music (the rap played by the limo driver Argyle), but Hans hums Beethoven. The cops’ technology notably fails, as when the assault vehicle and a helicopter are consumed by firepower. But the gang’s hi-tech expert Theo can crack the vault, assisted by Hans’ plan to push the Feds to cut the building power.

Above all, the forces of social order are strikingly inept, while the gang is ruthlessly efficient. Unlike the police, who “run the terrorist playbook,” Hans boasts that he has left nothing to chance. The cops can’t imagine an adversary that exploits the official by-the-book procedures. As for the business types, Takagi’s calm bluff and Ellis’s freewheeling jargon can’t cope with a gang leader who doesn’t get the Art of the Deal.

Clearly, America and Japan need help. That appears in the form of John McClane, the cop from the East Coast trapped in Nakatomi Plaza.

McClane is the man between, spatially and strategically. He witnesses the action from inside the skyscraper, and bit by bit he figures out the gang’s real scenario. And he’s caught between both forces. The gang tries to find and kill him, while the cops refuse to recognize him as an ally. Confronting Karl’s brother early on teaches McClane that he can’t play by procedure. (“There are rules for policemen,” says a thug who doesn’t believe in rules.) The LAPD’s ineptitude shows that McClane can’t expect help on that front. So he must become almost as reckless as his adversary, though in a virtuous cause. This principally means blowing stuff up.

McClane isn’t totally without resources. He has as helpers Al, the desk cop who comes on the scene and sustains his morale, and Argyle, who’s there to play a crucial role at the climax. But mostly he’s alone in facing problems. He needs weapons. He needs shoes. He needs to protect the hostages, most of all his wife Holly, who has climbed up the corporate ladder. (In another movie, she would be the in-between protagonist.) To keep Holly from becoming a bargaining chip, McClane needs to hide his identity. And he needs to figure out the gang’s ultimate plan, of seeding the rooftop with explosives that will destroy the building and cover their escape.

John’s solutions are notably low-tech. While the police and the gang depend on advanced firepower and computer finagling, McClane lashes an explosive to a desk chair and uses a fire hose as a rope. He has to improvise shoes by taping a maxi-pad to a bleeding foot. No holster for your automatic? How about some Christmas wrapping tape? And don’t forget to taunt your adversaries with Yankee wisecracks.

In the course of this drama, the very physical McClane becomes a model for his allies. Holly punches the reporter who revealed John’s identity, and Argyle cold-cocks Theo at the point of getaway. Most dramatically Al kills the revived Karl when he’s about to plug McClane. The people in between take up arms.

McClane and his allies solve the House Democrats’ problem. Law can’t be lawless, even in protecting itself. Business, always aiming at the bottom line, has to give up principles. (“Pearl Harbor didn’t work out, so we got you with tape decks.”) These forces of social order are inefficient, trusting, and superficial. They can’t stand up to sheer brutal onslaught. In a crisis they will fold, or simply choose the nuclear option: agents Johnson and Johnson are ready to lose a big chunk of hostages.

McClane is a mediating figure that permits the film to show you can be strategically lawless for the sake of lawfulness. The fly in the ointment, the monkey in the wrench, screws up plans on both sides, but for the benefit of everyone else.

 

The Big Dumb Action Picture isn’t so dumb

This thick array of thematic parallels would be interesting in itself, but it gets worked out through precise storytelling. There was a time when critics knocked action movies as simply ragbag assortments of fights, chases, and explosions. Die Hard, I think, changed ideas of just how well-wrought an action picture could be. About 53 minutes of it consist of physical action (including people sneaking around), leaving almost 70 minutes for other stuff: suspense, changing goals, surprise information, attention to parallel plotlines, and little moments like the thief pilfering candy just before an ambush.

The film typifies tidy classical Hollywood construction, beginning with an arrival (the jet) and ending with a departure (the McClanes in a limo). In between we get a big dose of the classic double plotline, romance and work. Holly’s job at Nakatomi threatens their marriage, and John takes on a temp job, that of fighting the gang, which also endangers the couple’s efforts to reconcile.

For every Superman, there’s a Kryptonite, and here the protagonist’s flaws include his fear of heights (set up in the second shot, reiterated throughout) and, more importantly, his resistance to Holly’s independence. By the end, he’s learned a lesson. The film’s streak of male sentimentality allows John to ask his wife’s forgiveness for blocking her career ambition. She’s ready to compromise too, reassuming his last name when she meets Al. The characters we care about change, at least a little. That could be the motto of most classical Hollywood plots.

As usual, we get crosscutting among several lines of action. John’s arrival is crosscut with Holly at work fending off Ellis, and in the rest of the film the gang’s stratagems are intercut with the cops’ plans and McClane’s efforts. At various points, five or six actions are alternating with one another.

All these escalating situations cluster into distinct parts, the four that Kristin has argued for as typical of Hollywood architecture.

The Setup runs about 33 minutes, culminating in the murder of Takagi and Hans’s promise that he can open the vault.

The Complicating Action, a counter-setup, coalesces around John’s goals of communicating with outsiders, avoiding capture, and attacking the thieves when he can. Through many chases and fights, the gang seeks to block all these efforts. The lines converge when John shoots Marco and tosses his body onto Al’s car. He gains the bag with the detonators, giving him the upper hand. Then the TV reporter gets involved, the cops arrive, and John is ordered to wait. Things seem to be stabilized.

After this midpoint, the Development supplies what Kristin calls “action, suspense, and delay.” Officer Dwayne Robinson arrives, pitting himself against Al and McClane. We can regard the police assault, Ellis’s clumsy attempt to broker a deal, and the arrival of the FBI men as a series of delays that endanger the stability of the standoff. At the end of this section, John meets Hans (posing as an escaped hostage): now both men know each other. And in the firefight that follows, John loses the detonators. Hans declares, “We’re back in business,” and the original plan can go forward.

The last twenty-five minutes constitute the Climax, launched by McClane’s “darkest moment.” He seems utterly beaten. Picking glass shards out of his feet, he gives Al a message for Holly over the CB radio. Al tells of his own burden, the accidental shooting of a child. The stakes are now very high.

Rapid crosscutting shows John finding the bombs on the roof and fighting with Karl, while the FBI helicopter attacks the building and Hans discovers that Holly is John’s wife. John stampedes the hostages down the stairs off the roof and escapes the strafing from the chopper before it blows. Argyle dispatches Theo, while John finds the surviving gang members in the atrium and shoots Hans, who falls to his death.

In the Epilogue, Al and John meet, Al dispatches Karl, Holly socks the newsman, and John and Holly drive off with Argyle.

These parts present a tight, logically building plot composed of swiftly changing situations. Along the way we encounter a great many motifs that create echoes or contrasts. Everyone notices the Rolex, at first a symbol of Holly’s talents but also of corporate swagger; only by unfastening it can they let Hans drop from the window. When Argyle floats the possibility that Holly will rush back into John’s arms for a movie ending, John murmurs: “I can live with that.” Agent Johnson speaks the same line, but for him it means an acceptable level of civilian casualties.

Holly’s unmarried name, Gennero, shows how a motif can develop in relation to the drama. At first it’s a sign of pride in her own identity (typical corporation, Nakatomi has misspelled it on the touch screen). Her name-change triggers the couple’s quarrel, but it has another narrative use: It conceals John’s identity from Hans. And at the end he introduces her to Al as Gennero but she reasserts her love by correcting him: “Holly McClane.”

Then there are differences of class and country. Hans reads Forbes, but McClane the US boomer references Roy Rogers and Jeopardy. (Hans is so unplugged from pop culture he thinks John Wayne was in High Noon.) Argyle the former cab driver and Al the cop know the downside of city life, but so does John the New York detective, who adapts Roy’s trademark phrase to the mean streets: “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.”

Even a conventional Hollywood gesture, that of attacking a picture of a loved one, acquires a nifty plot function. Annoyed at John, Holly slaps down the family portrait on her shelf. Good thing too, because otherwise Hans would have seen it during the invasion. We’re reminded of that picture when in a moment of quiet John looks at the same snapshot in his wallet. Only after Hans has encountered John is he able to flip the portrait back up and realize that Holly is the “someone you do care about.”

There are lots more felicities like these–so many that I’d consider Die Hard a “hyperclassical film,” a movie that’s more classically constructed than it needs to be. It spills out all these links and echoes in a fever of virtuosity. Hard to believe that the makers started shooting without a finished script.

 

Intensified continuity, personalized

Die Hard is a good example of a stylistic approach I’ve called “intensified continuity.” It’s a modification of the classical method of staging, shooting, and cutting scenes. Here director John McTiernan and DP Jan de Bont tweak that approach in distinctive and powerful ways. You can find examples all the way through the movie, but I’ll draw most of my illustrations from the first hour, when the stylistic premises get laid out for us.

Cutting speeds accelerated sharply in Hollywood films from the 1960s onward, and for its time, Die Hard was a rapidly-cut movie. The average shot runs just under five seconds, about what you’d get in a 1920s silent film. By today’s standards, which fall more in the 3-4 second range (even for movies outside the action genre), it’s a bit sedate.

One factor that increases the cutting pace is a greater reliance on singles and close-ups. These are tighter than we’d expect in most studio films of the classic era.

     

Even in close-up, the shots aren’t snipped free of their surroundings, thanks to the wide frame and layers of focus–both important in the film’s overall style, as we’ll see.

Likewise, intensified continuity exploits a greater range of lens lengths than we’d find in studio films of the classic era. We get wide-angle shots like those above along with telephoto shots throughout. Here the long lens is used to pile up people around Holly, and an even longer lens shows her optical viewpoint on the bandits in the office.

     

And there’s a free-roaming camera, thanks chiefly to Steadicam technology. But interestingly, Die Hard avoids some of today’s most common camera movements, such as shooting a fixed conversation with a sidewise or circular tracking shot. These would become more common in the 1990s.

McTiernan thought a lot about his camera movements, as he explains in interviews and the commentary track on the DVD. He wanted to shape spectators’ attention, to use camera movement to nudge things into view. “The audience’s eye wants to go with you.” Accordingly, more than in many contemporary films, Die Hard‘s camera movements have a shape: they end on a point of information.

Sometimes it’s just a quick pan, doing duty for a cut. At other times, the reframing is a gentle nudge that prepares for a new scenic element, as when Holly enters her office.

     

In shooting Predator (1987), McTiernan wanted to cut moving shots together, but his editor resisted. For Die Hard, he refilmed his camera movements at different rates so that two would match. A good example is when Karl’s brother strides carefully into an area under construction. The camera tracks with him, but when he turns to find the source of a whining noise, the arcing movement at the end of one shot is picked up in the next as the framing circles to reveal the saw.

          

That reveal is given, characteristically, in rack focus. I could have added rack focus as another featured technique of intensified continuity. McTiernan and de Bont take it very far, making Die Hard one of the great rack-focus movies. The image is constantly shifting focus to guide our attention to the changing layers of the scene.

          

This neat, compact presentation not only preserves the commitment to long-lens close-ups we find in intensified continuity. The technique also gives each rack focus the snapping force of a cut. (And you don’t need to build big sets.) Needless to say, the rack-focusing wouldn’t work if McTiernan hadn’t committed himself to staging his action in depth. More on this below.

 

Staging in ‘Scope

Die Hard finds ingenious ways to “let the audience’s eye go with you” in the widescreen format. Sometimes it’s a matter of classic edge framing. Thanks to a low angle, John and Holly converse along a wide-angle diagonal.

Sometimes McTiernan reverts to a technique not enough directors use nowadays: blocking and revealing. In classic cinema that was usually a technique reserved for long shots, when actors could move aside as part of ensemble. Die Hard applies blocking and revealing to the tight framings of intensified continuity.

A thug in an elevator checks his weapon, pivots for an instant, and then moves aside to show the elevator arriving at the target floor.

          

Here again a rack focus helps. The moment reiterates the importance of the thirtieth floor in the skyscraper’s geography.

When Hans finds the body of Karl’s brother, we can study his expression. He flips the victim’s head to reveal a gunman, who looks to Hans before he says his line.

          

In a neat touch, the thug’s mouth isn’t shown. Today a director would probably show his whole face, but, really, who cares? The careful framing keeps him a secondary character, and a future target of McClane. And no need to rack focus on him, which would give him unwonted importance. All we need to remember him is that he’s the thug with long hair.

I can’t refrain from using one audacious example from late in the film. John and Hans have met, and Hans has revealed himself by targeting John with the pistol McClane has given him. In reverse shot, John reveals that it has no bullets and grabs it away from Hans.

     

But the pistol, and that gesture, have concealed the elevator behind them. When the pistol is knocked down, the elevator light pops on in the background. Our attention snaps to it, aided by that characteristic ping we hear throughout the movie (another motif).

     

The crisp turn of events, given visually and sonically, gets ampified by the acting. McClane’s cockiness turns to panic and Hans gets the upper hand. (“Think I’m fucking stupid, Hans?” Ping. “You vere saying?”)

The most bravura rack-focus comes during the climax, when the firehose reel whizzes down behind McClane and he realizes that he’s being dragged through the shattered window.

          

The coordination of the long lens, camera movement, staging, and racking focus is especially rich when Hans drifts among the hostages searching for the man in charge. He recites Takagi’s life history as he passes from one possibility to another (including, comically, Ellis).

          

At the climax of the passage, McTiernan’s staging-in-layers sets up Takagi, Karl, and Holly before Takagi takes charge. Briefly blocked by Hans, he admits his identity by stepping out from behind and into focus.

          

McTiernan isn’t done. A reverse shot of Hans finishing his spiel (“…and father of five”) punctuates the suspense. McTiernan buttons up this passage by returning to his “moving master” shot and having Karl shove Takagi out.

          

That clears the way for us to see Holly’s reaction. A beat dwells on her as she shifts her eyes to Hans, foreshadowing her conflict with him at the climax.

     

This sort of layering of faces popping in and out of visibility has precedents in earlier cinema, chiefly of the “tableau” period of the 1910s. McTiernan has, I think, spontaneously rediscovered for modern times what William C. de Mille was up to in the party scene in The Heir to the Hoorah (1916). (For more on that, go here.)

     

Of course McTiernan also has to work with the 2.35:1 anamorphic format, which enables him to spread his layers out more. That format also allows some remarkable compositions, such as the one surmounting today’s entry. The cut to the shot of John in Holly’s office uses the abstract splash painting (seen here for the first time) as a visual analogy for the explosion of gunfire offscreen at the same time.

McTiernan and de Bont constantly find striking but cogent images, thanks to lighting as well as color and format. Here’s McClane on top of an elevator peering through the perforated grille; his POV is a striking but still informative composition. the cut between the two provides a little punch of contrasting light and shade.

     

There are felicities like these feathered all through this remarkable movie, but the momentum of storytelling never flags. This remains a masterpiece of Hollywood filmmaking.

 

Thanks to our readers for following us this year. Kristin will be weighing in soon with her annual list of best films from ninety years ago. In the meantime, HO-HO-HO.


Madison owes an enormous debt to our Cinematheque team: programmers Jim Healy, Mike King, Ben Reiser, and Zach Zahos, as well as veteran projectionist Roch Gersbach. Santa should reward them. You can too by visiting the Cinematheque’s Podcast, Cinematalk. There you’ll find conversations with Manohla Dargis, Schawn Belston, and James Runde.

For lots of background on the making of this film and the four sequels, there’s Die Hard: The Ultimate Visual History by Ronald Mottram and David S. Cohen. At rogerebert.com, Matt Zoller Seitz has a discerning appreciation on the occasion of the film’s twenty-fifth anniversary.

Jake Tapper has provided the definitive analysis of Die Hard as a bona fide Christmas movie.

McTiernan (with whom I share an alma mater) provides very good DVD commentaries (even for Basic). Prison also seems to have given him some pronounced political views. Alas, the website he created as a platform for them is apparently no longer available. Word is that McTiernan is preparing a new film, Tau Ceti 4, with Uma Thurman. A videogame promo is purportedly signed by him.

Of other McTiernan films, I also much admire The Hunt for Red October (1990). The Thomas Crown Affair (1999) seems to me better directed than the original, and The 13th Warrior (1999), despite being taken out of his hands, remains a pretty interesting film. (Name another Hollywood movie in which a Muslim poet visiting Northern Europe is justly appalled at its barbarism.) Nomads (1986) also has its good points.

I discuss the issues of narrative and style raised here at greater length in The Way Hollywood Tells It: Story and Style in Modern Movies. You can also search “intensified continuity” for blog entries hereabouts. On CinemaScope aesthetics, see this entry and this video.

Die Hard (1988).

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on Monday | December 4, 2023 at 12:39 pm and is filed under Directors: McTiernan, Film comments, Film genres, Film technique: Editing, Film technique: Staging, Film technique: Widescreen, Hollywood: Artistic traditions, Narrative strategies.

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Wonka review – Timothée Chalamet’s Chocolate Factory prequel is a superbly sweet treat | Movies

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On paper, it is the worst possible idea: a new musical-prequel origin myth for Willy Wonka, the reclusive top-hatted chocolatier from Roald Dahl’s 1964 children’s story Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, who decides in the onset of middle age to offer five Golden Tickets at random for kids to look round his secret confectionery paradise, staffed by a slave labour workforce of Oompa-Loompas. But in the hands of Brit-cinema’s new kings of comedy, writer Simon Farnaby and writer-director Paul King (who have already worked their magic on Paddington), this pre-Wonka is an absolute Christmas treat; it’s spectacular, imaginative, sweet-natured and funny.

Timothée Chalamet is charm itself as the young Wonka who comes to prewar Paris as a young man after a quaintly conceived life on the ocean wave, determined to make his fortune with the chocolate recipes invented by his mum (played by Sally Hawkins). He’s a chocolate disruptor, shaking up the stagnant chocolate business with his new chocolatey ideas; he faces cruelty and imprisonment but wins out with the help of new friends.

Chalamet is elfin and puckish, unworldly and possessed of a Paddingtonian innocence and charm – and a nice singing voice – without being insufferable. This very slender figure doesn’t actually do much chocolate-eating himself, incidentally, clearly preferring not to get high on his own supply. He pursues his cocoa-based destiny with heroism, finally confronting the villains’ awful threat of Death by Chocolate. What are Farnaby and King going to do next, I wonder? A prequel for CS Lewis’s White Witch, as a little girl wandering saucer-eyed around a “Delight” sweetmeat factory in Turkey?

Hugh Grant of course comes close to pinching the whole thing as the original Oompa-Loompa, the keeper of the chocolate flame, digitally reduced to 12 inches high; he is haughty and entitled and given to explaining himself in a kind of tribal-musical display (“I can’t stop now, I’ve gone into the dance”). Olivia Colman and Tom Davis are the fierce Sweeney Todd-ish couple who oppress poor Wonka; there is also great stuff from Matt Lucas, Paterson Joseph and Matthew Baynton as the Boggis-Bunce-and-Bean-type trio of creepy chocolate overlords who resent Wonka’s wonderful new creations. Rowan Atkinson adds to his career-gallery of inscrutable priests; Calah Lane is tremendous as Willy’s pal Noodle; Jim Carter is sweetly beguiling as Wonka’s wise ally and forensic accountant Abacus Crunch; Keegan-Michael Key triggers big laughs as the chocoholic chief of police; and Phil Wang gets a dance number with Chalamet.

But how about what we already knew of grownup Wonka? What put the sea salt into the chocolate bar? What happened to him as a young man to turn him into the somewhat ambiguous, even sinister adult figure with a streak of Dahlian cruelty, who is content to punish greedy, beastly, sweet-gobbling children with an awful fate? (In truth, Wonka is not so very far from another of Dahl’s creations, the candy-wielding Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.) Well, this film doesn’t answer that question and behaves as if it doesn’t exist. Wonka is just really nice. End of story.

Perhaps Farnaby and King will make Wonka 2, in which something happens to sour our young hero, just the tiniest bit, turning him against some of his young sweet-toothed customer base. I hope not as, despite the extra spoonful sugar in the mix, I have to say … whisper it … I enjoyed this more than either of the two earlier filmed versions, with Gene Wilder in 1971 and Johnny Depp in 2005. It supplies the chocolate-endorphins.

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Wonka is released on 8 December in the UK, 14 December in Australia and on 15 December in the US.

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‘Renaissance: A Film by Beyoncé’ Review: Peak Performance

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Of all the absurdities in “Renaissance: A Film by Beyoncé,” the one that takes the cake comes in the homestretch, long after the film’s revealed itself to be both a face-warping concert movie and a moving, unexpectedly transparent feat of self-portraiture, after the screen’s gone black and the speakers silent during her performance of “Alien Superstar” (which happened for about 10 minutes on the tour’s Phoenix stop) and the placid voices at “Renaissance” mission control sound concerned, after we’ve beheld one costuming outrage chase another, after we’ve witnessed technicians inform her that something’s impossible and she informs them that she’s looked the problem up and that, indeed, it is possible. (“Eventually, they realize this bitch will not give up,” she says, backstage, to the camera.)

After all of that and about two and a half hours more, out comes the most outrageous costume of the evening. The bee. It’s by Thierry Mugler and lands somewhere between bathing suit and “Barbarella,” an exoskeleton breastplate in yellow and black, with black thigh-high boots. That’s not what kills me though, not really. It’s the matching helmet and yellow-tinted shades that cover the top half of her face. The helmet’s got horns that taper into antennae, and they swing, at about waist level. She’s put this thing on for her partisans in the Beyhive.

That’s not even the deadliest thing about the costume, which, yes, on its own is a trip. It’s that at some point during this passage, a local TV news desk appears onstage. Its station call letters feature no vowels yet remain unprintable nonetheless. And from behind that desk, this titan of song, movement and facial expression, this mother of three and daughter of Tina and Matthew Knowles, this creature of Houston and global inspiration who has elected officials asking themselves “What would Beyoncé do?” — she is dressed like a bug, a bug who stings, in order to do the news, which, in the film, is simply this: “America? America has a problem,” the title of the bottom-bumping Miami bass jam that doubles as the wickedest joke on the “Renaissance” album. Here, in a film written, directed, produced by and starring Beyoncé, it’s camp. Divine camp.

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Animal review – Ranbir Kapoor plays one of the vilest protagonists in cinema history | Movies

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Already topping the box office in India, Sandeep Reddy Vanga’s bombastic action film is high on shock tactics and low on substance. His first two features, the Telugu-language Arjun Reddy (2017) and its Hindi remake Kabir Singh (2019) were both megahits – and also attracted criticism for making heroes out of misogynistic, violent men. Far from stepping back from this, Animal sinks even further into regressive depths, resulting in one of the vilest protagonists to have graced the big screen.

Vijay, played by Hindi cinema royalty Ranbir Kapoor, is the only son of a wealthy family. He grows up in the shadow of his father Balbir Singh (Anil Kapoor), whose attention is wrapped up in his steel company. Zigzagging between different timelines spanning Vijay’s childhood to his autumnal years, Animal charts how his cravings for love and validation leads to a cycle of bloodshed with his inner turmoil basically a pretext for an onslaught of increasingly gory shootout sequences. At one point, Vijay quite literally murders hundreds of ruffians, all in the name of protecting his father. The swaggering, gratuitous violence aims to disturb, yet the execution of the action scenes is entirely forgettable and derivative, a poor man’s version of The Godfather or Scarface.

Furthermore, Vijay’s Andrew-Tate-esque one-liners about alpha males and women’s submission – seemingly designed to circulate as viral clips – leave a similarly bad taste. Despite its obvious desire to push buttons, Animal doesn’t have the guts to actually own its transgressions: the film, for example, chooses a swastika as the logo of Balbir’s company, but Vijay explains that theirs is not the tilted swastika used by the Nazis. This cloying pretence of self-awareness only makes the flirtation with right-wing iconography all the more unpleasant.

Animal is in cinemas now.

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Film Endings That Truly Annoyed Us Beyond Belief

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‘La Syndicaliste’ Review: Power Plays

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Sometimes the best reason to watch a movie is because Isabelle Huppert is in it. That’s pretty much true of “La Syndicaliste,” a tangled if certainly watchable French true-crime drama about dirty political doings in the nation’s nuclear energy industry. Filled with men and women with furrowed brows, running and declaiming and sometimes explosively blowing their tops, the movie yearns to be a 1970s-style American thriller but is basically just a vehicle for Huppert’s talents. Even when it’s unclear what her character — a labor representative — is up to, she commands your attention with feverish focus and urgency.

Huppert plays Maureen Kearney, a leading union representative of Areva, a state-controlled French nuclear technology company. A no-nonsense, hard-charging official, Maureen takes her mandate seriously — Areva has more than 50,000 employees when the story opens in 2012 — and her resentful male colleagues somewhat less seriously, at least outwardly. She’s brassy and a bit flashy (she likes perilously high heels and slashes of red lipstick) and close to her boss at Areva, Anne Lauvergeon (Marina Foïs), a smooth number who’s about to lose her job because, as she explains, President Nicolas Sarkozy wants to replace her before the next election.

It isn’t obvious why Sarkozy thinks that firing Anne will help him; she suggests it’s because she’s a woman, stoking the gender war that percolates throughout this movie. Whatever the case, Sarkozy fires Anne, eventually losing the presidency to François Hollande, all of which adds real-world context to the story without illuminating it. The director Jean-Paul Salomé gives the movie a lively pace, but he crowds it with filler scenes, too many characters and political arcana. He also throws in an allusion to Hitchcock’s “Vertigo” — cue the blond chignon — that does his movie no favors. (Salomé wrote the script with Fadette Drouard.)

“La Syndicaliste” follows Anne as she tries to work with her new boss, Luc Oursel (an amusingly villainous Yvan Attal), a patronizing sexist who cozies up to Maureen even as he busily conspires against her. The extent of his schemes begin to emerge after a whistle-blower sneaks Anne a document showing that a shadowy figure who heads up another state-controlled utility, E.D.F., is clandestinely negotiating with a Chinese consortium to build low-cost plants. (Got it?) The idea is to turn E.D.F. into a world nuclear power and ruin Areva, which Maureen helpfully explains, “will be awful for our employees.”

The scheme proves worse for Maureen, who tries to bring attention to the E.D.F. plan, only to be largely met with indifference. As she continues rattling cages, she is met with escalating hostility, and then one grim morning while she’s home preparing for a big government meeting, an intruder puts a mask over her head and rapes her. Much of the rest of the movie involves Maureen navigating the aftermath of the assault as she submits to invasive medical examinations and police interviews that grow progressively antagonistic. The cops are stumped — there are no fingerprints, witnesses or surveillance visuals — and then they accuse Maureen of inventing the rape as a way to gin up sympathy for her political struggles.

Based on a 2019 book of the same title by Caroline Michel-Aguirre, “La Syndicaliste” never satisfyingly meshes the story’s corporate-political thriller elements with Maureen’s traumatic ordeal. Salomé’s handling of the rape doesn’t help. The movie opens right after a maid finds the bound Maureen in the basement of her home, and then the story flashes back several months at which point it begins to unwind chronologically. That’s fine, even if the structure is drearily familiar, but it ends up turning the rape into a narrative high point, which is just gross. Huppert, who makes her character’s pain and rage visceral, is enough.

La Syndicaliste
Not rated. In French and Hungarian, with subtitles. Running time: 2 hours 1 minute. In theaters.

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Eileen review – Anne Hathaway is vehement in solemnly intense psycho-noir | Movies

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Here’s a peculiar misfire of a psycho-noir, for which Luke Goebel and Ottessa Moshfegh have co-adapted Moshfegh’s Booker-shortlisted novel of the same name and William Oldroyd directs. It’s acted and presented with a weirdly solemn intensity, like a deadly serious remake of some lost John Waters pulp classic. Gif immortality beckons for the bizarre moment in which Anne Hathaway’s character grapples with what looks worryingly like a fake cat, throwing it out of the front door with a yowling noise on the soundtrack.

The setting is a small Massachusetts town in the early 60s, and Thomasin McKenzie plays Eileen, a mousy and repressed young woman working as a filing assistant at a juvenile prison. At home she is effectively the carer for her aggressively alcoholic widowed father Jim (Shea Whigham), an ex-cop who likes to get drunk, brandish his gun at the neighbours and humiliate Eileen. For her part, Eileen has repeated reveries of sex, vengeful violence and self-harm: bizarre micro-fantasies that are startling at first, but also verging on the clumsy and which undermine the impact of a real-world plot-twist to come.

For reasons she can’t quite understand, Eileen is emotionally thrilled by the new consultant psychologist that the jail has hired: Dr Rebecca Saint John (Hathaway), a stylish and sophisticated Harvard-educated woman with liberal ideas and dyed blonde hair who invites timid Eileen out for cocktails, evidently amused at the way this young woman is likely to blossom under her guidance. And just when the film looks like it’s going to ape Todd Haynes’s version of Patricia Highsmith’s Carol, with Hathaway in the Cate Blanchett role and McKenzie taking the submissive Rooney Mara part, something very strange and melodramatic happens.

This film certainly has its moments: it is hilarious when the hatchet-faced jail manager Mrs Murray (Siobhan Fallon Hogan) forces the mutinous young prisoners to watch the religious Yuletide pageant she has laid on for their edification, grimly entitled Christmas in Prison. It is intentionally funny, but I’m not sure how intentional the film’s other effects are. The performances from Hathaway and McKenzie are vehement and watchable, but the film itself is an unsatisfying and anticlimactic oddity.

Eileen is released on 1 December in UK and Irish cinemas.

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Actors Who Got Sick, Injured, Or Almost Died While Filming

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Joss Ackland, Busy, Versatile Actor on Stage and Screen, Dies at 95

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Joss Ackland, a self-described workaholic actor who appeared in more than 130 movies, TV shows and radio programs, most notably — for American audiences, at least — as a villainous South African diplomat in “Lethal Weapon 2,” died on Sunday at his home in Clovelly, a village in southwestern England. He was 95.

His agent, Paul Pearson, confirmed the death.

He was a renowned character actor onscreen, having held memorable supporting roles in movies like the Cold War thriller “The Hunt for Red October” (1990) and the hockey comedy “The Mighty Ducks” (1992). He also earned a British Academy Film Awards nomination for “White Mischief” (1987), a drama set in colonial Kenya. But Mr. Ackland’s true home was the London stage.

He was among the actors who provided the firm foundation of English theater during the postwar years, ranking alongside Ian Holm, Maggie Smith and Claire Bloom. Many in that generation, like Mr. Ackland, later found success in Hollywood.

A bear of a man with a gravelly voice and a gregarious, opinionated presence onstage and off, Mr. Ackland was prolific and versatile. He played Falstaff, Shakespeare’s great comic character in “Henry IV, Part 1” and Henry IV, Part 2”; the writer C.S. Lewis in the British TV version of “Shadowlands”; and Juan Perón in the original London cast of Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Weber’s “Evita” (1978), opposite Elaine Paige in the title role.

“I don’t think I’ve made any role my own,” he told The Evening Standard in 2006. “My quality is variation. I’m a hit- and-run actor. I get to do a lot of villains, but that’s because I’m English.”

Mr. Ackland could be self-disparaging about his willingness to take work wherever it became available, a predilection driven less by money than a need to be constantly on the move.

He came to regret many of his nontheatrical roles, like those in the comedy “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey” (1991) and a meaty cameo in the video for the song “Always on My Mind” by the English pop band the Pet Shop Boys.

“I do an awful lot of crap, but if it’s not immoral, I don’t mind,” he told The Guardian in 2001. “I’m a workaholic. Sometimes it’s a form of masochism.”

He was even ambivalent about his role in “Lethal Weapon 2” (1989) as Arjen Rudd, the oily, racist South African who battles two Los Angeles police detectives, Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover).

Rudd, a consul-general dealing drugs on the side, gets away with murder by claiming diplomatic immunity, even at the point where he appears to kill Riggs — just before Murtaugh shoots him in the head.

“It’s just been revoked,” Murtaugh says, a punchline that became a catchphrase of the late 1980s, much to Mr. Ackland’s chagrin.

“Not a day goes by without someone across the street going ‘diplomatic immunity,’” he said in a BBC interview in 2013. “It drives you up the wall.”

Sidney Edmond Jocelyn Ackland was born on Feb. 29, 1928 — a leap day — in the North Kensington neighborhood of London. His father, Sydney Ackland, was a journalist from Ireland whose serial philandering kept him largely out of his son’s life, leaving him to be raised by his mother, Ruth Izod, a maid.

He gravitated to acting as a child, inspired, he later said, by the mysterious smoke and fog of Depression-era London.

“To be in the fog was to be in an adventure where the imagination could stretch itself, allowing me to be anywhere in the world,” he told The Independent in 1997. “Houses and streets would disappear, and a lamppost would faintly emerge from the gloom and become a pirate ship.”

He attended the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama in London, paying his way by cleaning barracks for U.S. Army troops stationed there during World War II. He graduated in 1945, the same year he started acting professionally.

Mr. Ackland spent decades performing in repertory and small-town theater. In 1951, he traveled to Pitlochry, a small town in the Scottish Highlands, to appear in J.M. Barrie’s play “Mary Rose.” Among his fellow actors was Rosemary Kirkcaldy.

Though she was engaged at the time, the two fell in love and married later that year.

With a growing family — the couple eventually had seven children — Mr. Ackland despaired of making a career in acting. In 1955, he and his wife, with two infants in tow, moved to East Africa, where he spent six months running a tea plantation in Malawi.

But the stage beckoned, and they spent two years in South Africa picking up acting work. The country’s intrusive apartheid regime disgusted them; at one point the police raided their home looking for subversive material and left with a copy of the novel “Black Beauty,” the tale of a horse by Anna Sewell, which investigators thought might be anti-apartheid.

After returning to Britain, the couple restarted their careers, even as their family was growing rapidly.

One evening in 1963, when Mr. Ackland was performing as the lead in Bertolt Brecht’s “Life of Galileo,” a fire broke out in their London home. Ms. Kirkcaldy, pregnant with their sixth child, managed to get the other five out of the house but broke her back when she leaped from an upper floor.

Doctors said she would miscarry and never walk again; instead, she delivered a healthy child and was on her feet again within 18 months.

Ms. Kirkcaldy was diagnosed with motor neuron disease in 1999 and died in 2002. Mr. Ackland is survived by his daughters, Kirsty Baring and Sammy, Penny, Melanie and Toni Ackland; his son, Toby; 34 grandchildren; and 30 great-grandchildren. Another son, Paul, died in 1982.

After his wife’s death, Mr. Ackland developed stage fright and stayed away from theater for 12 years, he said. During that time, he edited her diaries, a project she had encouraged him to pursue, and published them in 2009 as “My Better Half and Me: A Love Affair That Lasted Fifty Years.”

He returned to the theater in 2012 to play King George V in David Seidler’s play “The King’s Speech” (later adapted as a movie). By then, he had soured on the turns that his profession had taken toward instant stardom and pyrotechnic productions.

“They give them all these car chases, the villain dying twice, and they play down to the audience,” Mr. Ackland told Strand magazine in 2002. “But I believe you should never give people what they want. Give them something a little more than what they want and that way they grow up.”

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Gary Oldman: cinema’s master of disguise returns as Slow Horses’ seedy spook | Gary Oldman

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There are bad bosses, and then there’s Jackson Lamb: rumpled, smelly, discouraging and mildly corrupt. Yet for fans of Slow Horses, the returning Apple TV+ series based on the espionage fiction of Mick Herron, this is a character that reliably emits a magnetic, congealed gleam. Like a day-old doner kebab.

Lamb, rendered in grimy perfection for the small screen by Gary Oldman, is the underachieving spymaster who has been mysteriously placed in charge of a sidelined team of defunct spooks.

In Oldman’s capable hands Lamb carries with him the burden not just of his own failures but the failures of the entire viewing audience. He drinks, he swears, he farts and he undermines his staff. For Lamb there is no dawn untainted with pessimism and no joke without a bleak truth at its core, courtesy of dialogue honed by showrunner Will Smith, late of The Thick of It and Veep.

It is a role that has brought Oldman an appreciative box-set fanbase, admittedly not quite yet rivalling his cinematic turn as Sirius Black in the Harry Potter franchise. And playing Lamb also appears to have let the actor draw deep on a career of off-beam, frequently unsettling performances. In 1988, he was a football hooligan in Alan Clarke’s 1989 TV film The Firm and playwright Joe Orton in Prick Up Your Ears. Then he was the punk Sid Vicious in Sid and Nancy, the infamous assassin in Oliver Stone’s JFK and Dracula for Francis Ford Coppola in 1992.

In the years since, Oldman has become an admired Hollywood fixture, with recurring performances as Gordon in Christopher Nolan’s Batman films and an almost unrecognisable appearance this summer as President Truman in the director’s latest, Oppenheimer.

But Oldman has earned the most entertainment industry acclaim so far for playing a duo of contrasting and particularly British heroes. First he was George Smiley, John le Carré’s careful secret service maestro, in the film Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and then Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour. The former won him an Oscar nomination, the second secured him the gilt statuette itself. And two years ago he was nominated for a third time for an eponymous role in Mank, David Fincher’s paean to a past era of great American film-making.

Gary Oldman, dishevled in an overcoat and tie, with greasy long hair, walks in a park eating an ice-cream cone
‘Rumpled, smelly, discouraging and mildly corrupt’: Oldman as Jackson Lamb in season 3 of Slow Horses, starting in December. Photograph: Jack English/Apple

Every actor regularly changes shape to some extent, with the aid of costumes and props, but for Oldman this holds a special appeal. “I do love a disguise,” he admitted to Hollywood news website Deadline while he was in England filming an earlier season of Slow Horses. He had found it challenging, he went on, to divest himself of fake trappings for Fincher on the set of Mank. “You know, I do like to hide, but I’m hiding because it’s all my baggage and all my stuff, and so that was my problem, that wasn’t Fincher’s problem, and when he said: ‘No, I just want no veil between you and the audience’, it wasn’t that I resisted it, it made me a little anxious because, hey, even George Smiley has those glasses, you know – at least I could hide a little behind those glasses.”

Among the items of personal “baggage” that Oldman is referring to are probably his difficult childhood and a previous addiction to alcohol. He also has some failed marriages behind him – four, in fact, including one to British screen favourite Lesley Manville, the mother of his eldest son Alfie, and a brief one with the young Uma Thurman. He also had a relationship with Isabella Rossellini.

The nature of his childhood sorrows is commonly thought to have been explored to impressive effect in the film Nil By Mouth, which Oldman wrote and directed in 1997. Oldman, however, regardless of audience assumptions, has distanced the gritty story from the truth of his own family life. For the critic Nick James the film, which is set in Oldman’s native south London and depicts a violent father, is a highlight. “He’s a hero for me simply because of that film,” he said in 2014. “Put aside all his acting achievements and he’s still the person who has made the most authentic working-class Cockney movie ever.”

Oldman was born in New Cross in 1958 and his real-life father, Leonard, was a welder and former sailor who left home and Gary’s mother, Kathleen, when his son was seven. The teenage Gary, a Millwall fan, was initially drawn to the idea of a life in music, but he gravitated towards the theatre instead after seeing Malcolm McDowell on stage. He went on to drama school, appearing later at the Royal Court and with the Royal Shakespeare Company and then winning television roles, including parts in Mike Leigh’s film Meantime, as well as Clarke’s acclaimed football gang TV drama.

Oldman made up to look like Winston Churchill, in a scene from the film Darkest Hour
In disguise: Oldman’s Oscar-winning performance as Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour. Photograph: Working Title Films/Allstar

Film actors inevitably accrue their own bespoke flavour over a long career. The people they have portrayed before on screen begin to matter, despite their varied props and chameleon tendencies. A back catalogue of work slowly builds up a visual and emotional network, something which is linked to them whether they like it or not. Good casting directors know this and often let an actor play against their public image, so a villain is suddenly a hero or vice versa. Unfortunately, a star’s image is also affected by associations thrown up by their private life. In the golden days of Hollywood, the studios understood this risk and protected reputations ferociously as a result.

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In the 1990s, the press picked up on rumours of Oldman’s hard drinking and unruly behaviour. More recently he has faced down accusations that he was violent to his third wife, Donya Fiorentino, the mother of his younger sons, Gulliver and Charlie. He denied her claims, which came out in an interview while he was being venerated for Darkest Hour in 2018.

Prior to that, in 2014, Oldman issued an apology for offending Jewish people. He had been quoted in a Playboy magazine interview sympathising with Mel Gibson, who had made antisemitic comments when he was stopped for drunk driving in 2006. Oldman was “deeply remorseful”, he said, for the way he had spoken and had really only meant to expose common hypocrisy. “I have an enormous personal affinity for the Jewish people in general, and those specifically in my life,” he added.

The chance to pick up a fresh set of props and a new, rich identity could become addictive for an actor with a “past”, whatever the audience might think they know of them. Oldman certainly appreciates the plum parts he has enjoyed down the years. “Some of the roles that I’ve played, I look back and think, you know, I was very lucky – I’ve done pretty well,” he has said. “I’ve had a few special ones come in and land on the desk.”

Film lovers can only hope that good scripts keep dropping down in front of Oldman. And if the desk he is sitting at when they land is the one Lamb occupies inside the set of grotty Slough House in Slow Horses, it will, fans know, be covered in dead whisky glasses and cigarette butts.

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Five Science Fiction Movies to Stream Now

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Stream it on Peacock.

After three years of buddy banter and watching the same movies over and over, astronauts Adam and Jane, marooned on a busted ship, accept the fact that they won’t get back to Earth and finally give in to their mutual attraction. Of course that’s when their navigation system starts working again, enabling them to return home — where their spouses are waiting. Uh-oh. Does it count as cheating if you thought you were doomed?

Anthony Mackie (recently seen in the “Twisted Metal” series) and Zoë Chao (“Party Down”) convincingly, playfully connect as both sparring partners and lovers, and pairing them in a romantic comedy of the sci-fi persuasion was a felicitous move. While the story is relatively straightforward, the director Kristian Mercado puts a fun twist on it: The ship is cartoonishly designed, with flat surfaces that often look drawn, while everything on Earth is filmed in a naturalistic manner. This suggest that the space sexcapades were not part of “real” life. But what if they led to feelings that are simultaneously grounded and lightheaded? Never mind where Adam and Jane are: You are likely to find yourself rooting for them, which is a good rom-com’s ultimate objective.

Rent or buy it on most major platforms.

Set in gritty, racially mixed housing projects, the banlieue movie has become a thriving subgenre of French cinema since “La Haine” in 1995. It has gone through multiple variations, taking the form of thrillers, coming-of-age tales, comedies and family dramas. Now comes “The Gravity,” in which teen gangs, drug dealers and people with dreams of escape confront one another against an ominous apocalyptic background. Most of the French-Burkinabé director Cédric Ido’s film takes place before a freak alignment of all eight planets in the solar system. Nobody knows exactly what will happen, but everybody is on edge. Daniel (Max Gomis) is about to move away with his girlfriend (Hafsia Herzi) and their daughter, but the pull of the neighborhood is strong — and no one is pulling stronger than his own brother, Joshua (Steve Tientcheu), a wheelchair-using tinkerer and dealer. What’s most striking about “The Gravity” is the precision with which Ido builds mood, using camera work and editing that are economical and precise. As Daniel faces off with his own flesh and blood as well as a quasi-mystical gang, the Ronins, the movie plays off the idea of gravitational pull, both literal and metaphorical, suggesting that people can be kept in place by implacable forces.

Kyle Patrick Alvarez’s movie is pretty much “The Goonies” but on the moon. Too bad “Moonies” has quite a different meaning because it would have been a great title. Set in 2257, the film takes place on a long-established lunar colony that’s basically a glorified dormitory for miners harvesting helium, a crucial component for intergalactic travel. The mining company’s treatment of the workers amounts to semi-enslavement, which this Disney production addresses in a peripheral way. (“Crater” premiered on Disney+ in May and was pulled just seven weeks later as part of a cost-cutting move; now it is finally available again on demand.)

The real focus is a band of local kids who try to help their friend Caleb (Isaiah Russell-Bailey) get to a far-flung crater that holds special meaning for him, before he is shipped off to distant Omega — an idyllic outpost reachable only after 75 years of cryo-sleep that would forever sever him from his buddies. The group, which includes the soulful heartthrob Dylan (Billy Barratt, the clairvoyant Caspar on Apple TV+’s “Invasion”), steals a big rover and sets off on a trek. The expedition takes maybe a little too long to reach the crater, with shenanigans and pit stops at abandoned moon condos along the way. But it’s all made worth it by a lovely, bittersweet coda about what awaits Caleb on Omega.

By the time humanity limps to the year 2144 in this Canadian movie, major floods have frozen over, creating vast expanses of snow and ice. The one-eyed foundling Sumi (Viva Lee) was raised by a polar bear, so when we meet her, the little girl expresses herself in grunts and growls. It follows that when she meets strangers (only women seem to be left), she does not understand what they say. The director Kirsten Carthew fully commits to the premise and there are no subtitles for the (made-up) language we hear, putting us in the same position as our pint-size heroine. This might frustrate some viewers, but “Polaris” is easy to follow. Which does not mean it’s always easy to understand. Carthew mixes a certain amount of realism, especially when it comes to violence and the brutal Morads and their jury-rigged snowmobiles, with a fablelike, almost mystical dimension. Sumi has a preternatural obsession with following the title’s North Star, and who is the frozen girl (Khamisa Wilsher) who may or may not be human? So many questions, so few answers. Just accept “Polaris” on its own poetic terms.

Rent or buy it on most major platforms.

With its pastel palette, soothing music and manicured settings, the French director Sophie Barthes’s film looks like an extended ad for a wellness retreat. It does not take long, however, to realize that its society, in which artificial intelligence is integrated into every aspect of life, is just as nightmarish as a postapocalyptic scorched Earth. Successful executive Rachel (Emilia Clarke) embraces A.I. in every facet of her existence — she even has a virtual therapist — and decides to have a child through a Goop-y outfit called the Womb Center. Her fetus will grow inside an egglike pod so her life and body won’t be disrupted by pregnancy. Rachel’s husband, Alvy (Chiwetel Ejiofor), is a botanist who generally prefers letting nature run its course — he has his work cut out for him in this barely futuristic setting — but he grudgingly supports her decision. The couple have such incompatible outlooks on pretty much everything that you wonder how they have made it that far. But it’s almost impossible to not get caught up in the many issues that “The Pod Generation” brings up, like, for example, Rachel’s happily oblivious embrace of technology, which she assumes is not just always benevolent, but also preferable to the real world.

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Alan Partridge on cars, Canadians and Sunday roasts: ‘I’m already about 70% vegan’ | Movies

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If the call came, would you be the next James Bond? Bigbadsean
Wouldn’t happen. There’s a sequence to the casting of 007. They choose an actor from one of the smaller UK nations, then from a non-British Commonwealth country and finally an Englishman – and repeat. Actor from smaller UK nation (Connery, Scotland), non-British actor (Lazenby, Australia), Englishman (Moore, England). Sequence completed, we go again: actor from smaller UK nation (Dalton, Wales), non-British actor (Brosnan, Ireland), Englishman (Craig, England).

So, you see, I couldn’t be the next Bond. It’ll be James Nesbitt (Northern Ireland), Ryan Gosling (Canada), then an Englishman. Assuming Nesbitt and Gosling do three movies each (one every three years), the earliest I could take the role would be 2041, when I’d be in my 80s. That’s almost certainly too old. While I have ideas as to how the role could be slightly rewritten to accommodate the secret agent’s mobility and bladder issues, even then I think it very, very unlikely they’d choose me. Given all that? Not going to happen … probably not going to happen.

I’m a vegan. What would it take to convince you to become vegan, too? elykwh
I’m already about 70% vegan and have to say I don’t find it that hard. My last Sunday roast? Potatoes, carrots, parsnips, broccoli, cauliflower and beef. So, almost entirely vegan. Same with Nando’s. You’ve got your chips, your macho peas, your corn on the cob – show me a single thing on that plate that’s come from an animal. You can’t. Have another look. You still can’t. In most places, with only a minimum of effort, large portions of your meal can and will be vegan. So, be good to yourself, be good to the planet and go largely vegan today.

What song should be played at your funeral and who should sing? ambandib2005
There’s a homeless busker who performs at St Stephen’s underpass in Norwich. Some say he lives with his mum and pretends to be without a home to monetise the public’s pity for the downtrodden. I’m not sure; he looks homeless enough to me. But his act! A voice like thick honey, Kenneth-Williams-style diction and a set list comprising your Snow Patrols, Stereophonics and a slightly-too-high Goo Goo Doll encore. He’s the best singer I’ve ever heard (so far). And because I’m getting cremated and they position the singer near the furnace doors, he’d get to enjoy the warmth while singing. Even in death I’ll be giving a bit back to the needy. (Song: Pipes of Peace.)

Alan Partridge and Jennie Gresham (Susannah Fielding) in This Time With Alan Partridge
Alan Partridge and Jennie Gresham (Susannah Fielding) in This Time With Alan Partridge. Photograph: BBC/Baby Cow/Gary Moyes/PA

Who would be your ideal partner in Strictly Come Dancing? mesm
I’ve given this a lot of thought and all things considered I’d go for one of the women.

What were the greatest life lessons you learned from your parents? Abadabs
From my father, I learned how to strengthen conkers (soak in vinegar, bake for two hours at 140C/gas mark 1). From my mother, never, ever stop to help a broken-down vehicle – even if they look to be in distress. It’s actually a trap set by robbers.

Have you given up on finding true love? baffledbylife
It makes me laugh when people say that. I feel true love every day: the true love of seeing a flower in bloom, of hearing a bird in song, of a freshly baked loaf or a gambolling lamb. I delight at the first dew of spring and the final leaves of autumn. And my heart positively soars when I’m about to reverse out of a parking space, but then realise the space in front is empty, meaning I can zoom out forwards. So, you see, true love fills my every waking hour. For what it’s worth, I also happen to be in a sexful relationship with a woman. But yeah, like I say, makes me laugh.

Radio, TV, books, films, podcasts. What worlds are left for you to conquer? CarrAgger
I’m increasingly drawn to the world of long-form documentary. What would mine be? Easy: the definitive history of the Vietnam war. Once that’s done – it would take eight to 10 weeks – I might direct a movie. The possibilities of cartoon excite me. There’s an elegance and poetry to animation that’s hard for live action to match. Also, if you have an idea for a scene where a character’s head has to turn round 350 degrees (which I do), animation makes it much easier.

If you weren’t available, who would you choose to anchor the next election night at the BBC? WyzacH
Matt Baker. Next question.

What has been your most rewarding spiritual experience? Aaaaaal
The opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics. I was watching the left-leaning propaganda display with a Welsh woman I’d accidentally started dating, and she asked if I had any Doritos, perhaps because she was hungry or wanted to crunch loudly over the commentary. I nipped to the garage and bought a bag, but didn’t buy salsa as I had a jar in the cupboard. When I got home, I noticed the salsa had gone off in 2010, but we tucked in anyway, since best-before dates are a scam. It was only when we finished that I noticed the expiry date actually said 2001.

The stomach cramps were the first to come, followed by dizzying nausea and soon (lots of) vomit. For the next six hours, we were sick again and again, locked in a double helix of distress and euphoric relief accompanied by the smell of wet wipes. It became a hallucinogenic, out-of-body experience. We found ourselves hugging and laughing, sharing our innermost thoughts, lost in flights of fancy and repeatedly being sick. By sunrise, it had worn off. I called her a cab and emailed my assistant five carefully chosen words: “Get me a cleaner, quick.”

I think of my life as the story of two Alans: the Alan before the time I was sick watching the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics and the Alan after the time I was sick watching the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics.

As a man with few equals, who can think on his feet while talking eloquently into a microphone, isn’t it time we heard you commentating on a Cup Final? thedribbler2
It’s a good question and, despite the fact you inexplicably capitalised the words “Cup” and “Final”, one I’m happy to answer. The only football finals I’d be prepared to commentate on would be for the women’s game. I’ll probably take some flak for this, but I happen to believe that women and girls are the future of the sport. Like I say, might not be the cool or popular thing to say, but it’s just what I happen to believe.

As an authority on the benefits of self-reflection and continuous improvement, what are your top three regrets and how did you learn from them? MarkAP
Laughed at wife when face swelled up after bee sting(s); kicked pig; wasn’t great dad. Don’t believe in looking back, so haven’t learned from them.

A 2002 Range Rover
A 2002 Range Rover. Photograph: Goddard Archive/Alamy

From the Rover Vitesse fastback to the Vauxhall Insignia, you have owned some of the truly great modern automobiles. Which has been your favourite car over the years? cy7000
An interesting question, and the answer may surprise you. I could easily reel off the high-class cars I’ve driven over the years: 2022 Range Rover Velar, 2021 Range Rover Vogue SE, Range Rover Sport 4.4 V8 petrol. But years before then, as a younger man in a simpler time, I fondly remember pootling around Norfolk in a humble little runaround. Wasn’t the fanciest nor most expensive, but it had personality, and that matters more than anything to me. I cried when I had to sell it. It was a 2002 Range Rover HSE+.

What’s your opinion on the rise of electric cars? CosmoLang
As Norfolk’s car laureate, it’s my job – my privilege – to promote car ownership and usage across the county. As such, I’m largely fuel-agnostic: what powers our vehicles is less important than that we’re in our vehicles. Remember: Norfolk is a big, flat pancake of a county with fewer public transport journeys available per head, as a percentage of mean population density, than anywhere in the UK. And although I made that statistic up, cars will continue to be central to our prosperity, not to mention our ability to get to work or our racquets club.

Does that make me an apologist for big oil or large petrol? Not a bit. Don’t forget, in the 90s, I was one of the first car-liking public figures to openly discuss catalytic converters, and not just because I liked saying the words “catalytic converter”. And while this isn’t the place to get into the whole he-said-she-said of whether climate change is actually happening, what I will say is that while cars are demonised, other sources of greenhouse emissions get off scot-free. Prime example? Cow trumps.

While I welcome the rise of electric cars, I don’t necessarily see it as the only show in town. With the technology available to make smaller and smaller reactors, we’d be fools to rule out the emergence of the nuclear hatchback.

Big Beacon by Alan Partridge is published by Orion (£25). To support the Guardian and the Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply

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